Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
