I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
