I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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