The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
