i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
