She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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