I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
