so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
