he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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