i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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