i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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