Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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