bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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