Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
