you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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