someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
