I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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