just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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