Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
