I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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