I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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