my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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