after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
