My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
