Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
