oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
