Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
