can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
