I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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