I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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