My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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