dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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