like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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