my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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