I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Mom said you looked used
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
