You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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