life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize