You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
