I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
