If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
