if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
