I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
