stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
