I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
