the condom got lost in my hair
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
