Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
