I'm going to jail i love you
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
