I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I queefed so loud it echoed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
