Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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