how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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