Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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