two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
