I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
