38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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